How high can you score?

I just got back from Jurva yesterday, where I spent my midsummer weekend. People always have all these high expectations for the fest, it never ceases to annoy me. It's the same thing with every public holiday, but especially this one. It seems kinda ridiculous when you hear people planning six months in advance where they're gonna spend their next generally useless midsummer hols. I'm not sure if it's just me but I've never experienced anything out of the ordinary during midsummer, people just get way more drunk than usual, normally somewhere in the countryside. Which means it's like any other weekend, only with more booze and out of the city. Yay? I'm not saying I didn't have fun, I did, and normally do enjoy my time every year, it's just that I'm not willing to spend huge amounts of time and/or money planning something extraordinary for a weekend that will normally end up covered in puke and grass stains. It's like a rock festival without any bands. Pointless.

Anyway, my midsummer weekend was altogether very nice and much less crazy than I had expected, which was good after spending almost a week abroad with no sleep and too much intoxicants. Our group, consisting of maybe 10-15 people, mostly just spent a few nights playing Super Smash Bros, sitting outside on the grass, drinking beer and talking bullshit, dancing barefooted, grilling and listening to great music.

I could say the same thing about my trip, actually: it was lovely and a lot less bonkers than I thought it would be. We didn't actually spend any time in Germany before we got there the night before our flight, but went straight to the Netherlands, Utrecht to be exact. I really liked the city, it was somehow really homely and small (in a good way) even though it's a city of nearly 300 000 people. Kinda like the Tampere of Holland, heh. Our hostel was also nice, we had a great big garden on our backyard where we spend a lot of time just relaxing and eating Terhi's krokett pastries. After Utrecht we headed to Deventer to meet a friend of Terhi's, Maarten, who kindly offered us a bed for the night. Maarten's apartment was fantastic, I wish I could live with a view like that as well. Two terraces on the roof, and I don't even have one on the fifth floor! The time flew by too fast and soon we were sitting on a train back to Düsseldorf. We had no idea what was waiting for us there, we arrived to the city just as Germany and Ghana were playing, and after Germany won, the whole place went utterly nuts. People were rioting and dancing on the streets, and each and every person had the Deutschland flag somewhere on his/her body, more often than not on every place of their body. I'm not a huge football fan and I don't think my company was either, but we all got so intoxicated by the mad party mood that we pretty much spent all night just walking around the nightly Düsseldorf laughing, having some drinks and watching crazy Germans, before our bus to the airport left at 03:30 a.m. After landing back to Finland I headed straight to Jurva.


Utrecht.


Düsseldorf.


The streets of Düsseldorf around 2am.

Damn I was looking forward to just watching Lie to Me and eating warm toast in bed. Alone. In quiet. It's not that I mind all this haste, it's just that it's been too long since I spent some time by myself. Since the 1st of May I've practically been running around like a headless chicken, and that really shows in my (nonexistant) ability to just sit down and relax. The last time I was alone was before our trip, and it was only for one day, I can't remember when was the last time before that. Either way, during that day I felt so anxious I was basically going nuts and running around in circles. I need to learn how to enjoy routine life again, not only because I have to since I'm starting my work tomorrow, but also because I think it's pretty essential to be able to enjoy your time alone, in peace. I've gotten sorta sick of this chaos that is constantly present in my life. Every day is different, I have no routines, I mostly have no idea what time it is or even what day. I have no day rhythm whatsoever. I'm sure this all will change radically during the next few weeks, and even though I'm already freaking out about my 10-hour work shift on Sunday, it's about time I got back to living like a human being instead of an ADHD slug.

There's the smell of big changes in the air. We'll see what happens. All I know is that I've decided to buy an acoustic guitar and that I miss Henry. Enough said.

I like the sweet life and the silence but it's the storm that I believe in.

It's six a.m. and I'm wide awake. Asking why is like trying to catch a plane that's left an hour ago, pointless and desperate. I realised I can't get back to sleep so I just got up and made some coffee. There's something so frail and beautiful about these early mornings, I'm glad I did.

It's been a busy week, I only came home yesterday. I wasn't meaning to leave for Jurva again but I ended up doing that anyway on Thursday, and spent another long weekend there messing up with heads and resetting mine. We had a party both on Thursday and Friday, which might've been a bit too hardcore, but all in all I think we all had a pretty good time, even Anni even though me and Hannes decided to tie her to our bodies with masking tape when she decided it was time to go to bed at 8 a.m. on Saturday morning. We all ended up wrestling with each other on the floor, it was pretty hilarious. I also had some great talks with people, it's always a good feeling when you get closer to someone who's always seemed somehow out of reach, you know, mind-wise.

I have my second exam in two days, and I still have two linguistics books to read. Sucks to be me. There's this course everyone else on my class already attended, like, at least a year ago, and honestly, I've tried dragging my ass there a couple times, both times failing so epically that now I'm simply gonna try and pass the exam basing my knowledge on just the books. Might not be such a good idea but to hell with it, I'm still gonna try. (I think the last sentence pretty much sums up my whole life.)

I think I've lost a friend who's been there for me more than most. I know it's my own fault and that I've been neglecting our friendship for a while now, so I guess I should just look into the mirror and smash it instead of complaining about it here. I'm not entirely surprised, I mean I should've woken up sooner and not now that it might already be too late to gather up something spectacular from the remains of our ruins. I suck at keeping in touch, and I suck at telling people what they mean to me, instead I just expect them to know and to trust it even when I'm out of touch and out of reach all the time. I have to remind myself to take better care of my friendships because lately I've been concentrating mostly on just my own messed up life. I mean I've had a lot going on and it's been a hellish chaos but that doesn't make it alright to get so self-absorbed. And probably Henry-absorbed, go figure.

Coffee tastes better than in a long time, alone or not. I'm broke and stuck with the terrible burden of missing someone around the klock, but it's okay. I know things will be alright eventually and right now that's enough to keep me smiling even with the black eye reality gave me a while ago. Bruises always turn yellow and eventually fade away.

I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

Another long weekend in Jurva in the countryside. I have to brag now that this was my third weekend sober - not intentionally but half-accidentally. Well yes, I've been at the pub on both Thursdays but I don't count being buzzed as actual boozing (oh yes, I live in denial). Yay for a healthier lifestyle! I've actually had much more fun during the past three weekends than in a long time, partly because leaving the alcohol out means you have much more time to go and do, but also because I've started to feel more calm about things and my mind's not constantly all over the place anymore. I've stopped over-analyzing every single little thing that comes my way, which makes life easier both for me and for other people, and I've learned to detect when I'm overreacting to something. I think I'm finally figuring out how to prevent getting into an attention whore state before it's too late - even if I don't always feel like avoiding that state, I at least know I'm capable of doing so.

The weekend was, indeed, kickass. We spent hours playing in the snow: fighting with icicles and jumping into hugh piles of snow, and we also went extreme by tieing a kids' sled to a car after which we one by one slid on the deserted country roads. On Saturday we also built this sort of a café in the snow in the yard and enjoyed our afternoon coffee and pastry (which we spent an hour picking...) outside in the cold afternoon sun. Later that night we just pretty much talked until everyone was tired enough to fall asleep standing and I fell asleep relaxed and happy. Sunday morning was pretty exhausting though, I had some sort of a collapse and felt like a stupid, incompetent cow and ended up sobbing into my pillow, good thing the person sleeping next to me told me I was being moronic and that I should just trust my abilities and myself.

The whole idea behind Valentine's Day does actually appeal to me in a way, but I've always had something against the whole event, not just because of all the fuss and commercialization, but also because I think the whole idea of celebrating your friendships and lovey-dovey feelings towards someone on one single day is somewhat lame and doesn't do those things justice. I don't need any special day to remind people I like or fancy that I consider them special, I'd like to think I do that on a regular basis simply by staying in contact and asking people how they are and shit. I don't think showing people that they mean something to you needs any grand gestures, and most certainly not because it's something you should do because of some lameass pressure caused by a holiday. I mean it's nice and all to be told you're a delicious cupcake and that without you life would suck much more but I think people should be able to say or express in some other way that they feel that way whenever they find themselves thinking that.

I know I often appear unbreakable, kinda harsh and even cold in a way to people. Being weak, nice and somehow delicate has never been my cup of tea. Sarcasm is my weapon of choice even when no weapon is needed and I tend to emphasize rationality and its importance even in situations where I feel like exploding from all kinds of emotions that run inside my brain. However, that image hardly tells anything about my true nature. I've always been very emotional and still sometimes have trouble reacting to things on a normal level instead of going from one extreme to another in a heartbeat. Since I can remember, I've enjoyed all kinds of beautiful things and words, even many clichés: I seriously think there's something romantic about poetry, photographs where people hold hands or kiss and calling someone "kitten". This side of me is not something I would normally openly advertise since I don't want to seem like a blue-eyed silly girl who spends her days dreaming and doesn't have any clue of how cruel and cold the world really is. I do think I have a pretty good idea of how fucked-up life very often is and don't think I'm unable to face or deal with the harsh reality. Be that as it may, I consider this sappy side of me something I never want to lose because it makes me feel human. Being able to feel things intensely is something that keeps me wanting to breathe, I never want to grow cold and/or indifferent, even if I sometimes seem like I stare into space like a dead china doll.

[21:09:53] <@tepaturmio> mä kiusasin eilen kehitysvammasta baarissa

First time home in a month, and I never really intended to stay away for more than just a week. Not that I'm complaining - honestly, I don't really feel all that excited now that I'm back here in my tiny flat thinking about all the studying and getting my shit together I won't be doing during the next few months and/or years. It's not that I don't love this city and the vibes you get here, it's just that there really isn't much reason to stay here for me anymore, and if that doesn't change, I have no idea what place I'm gonna call my home without really meaning it next year.

My visit to my friends' commune in the middle of nowhere got a bit longer than expected, instead of just one day I ended up staying for 11. The place has become almost like a safe haven for me, like a much needed vacation away from reality. I can honestly say that I haven't even thought about my life here in Tampere in a few weeks, not that all the liquid luck I've been shoving down my throat hasn't had any effect on that but still. Good times, great people, laughing until your cheeks are sore and your stomach is feels like you've just done the grade school gym test a hundred times, nightly drunken chats and waking up curled up in three blankets and maybe someone in particular's leg.

I seriously need to start changing my eating habits. I can practically go five days with just a couple of crappy noodle meals and then go all Miss Piggy during the weekend. My waist is starting to remind that of an elephant after the holidays because it's been like a month-long junk fest, and I'm not just talking about food.

When the day is through, I suffer no regrets
I know that he who frets, loses the night
For only a fool, thinks he can hold back the dawn
He who is wise never tries to revise what's past and gone

Live love today, and come tomorrow what may
Don't even stop for a sigh, it doesn't help if you cry
That's how I'll live and I'll die
Devil may care

Life is like a penis - the more you suck at it, the harder it becomes.

Ok, so lately I've been very right and very wrong: the weekend was, indeed, very intense and electric. So far I've found more than 20 bruises from my body; my right hand's knuckles are almost purple and there's a fist-size black spot on my left hip. It took me four days to get rid of the drawings on my arm, and I'm still not sure if the round mark on my chest is paint or a bruise. This is, believe it or not, usually a sign of a really great weekend. Which it was. What I was wrong about was the whole back on the market thing, I guess my price wasn't too high after all. Not saying I'm any less wild or free than I was before, though. Just a bit more... bruised :D.

I really enjoy spending time with people who have no taboos. I've never been good at being politically correct and diplomatic, my big mouth's always ready to strike, and my sense of humor is probably way too fucked up and off the cliff into the gutter for most people. I think it's only healthy to joke about almost everything on this planet, laughing at things only makes them easier to process. However, I do try to control my stories around people that I know are unable to deal with them and who would probably just feel uncomfortable around me if they heard me actually speaking my mind. Anyway, it's good to know there are people who are just as harsh, frank and outspoken as I am, if not more. An environment like that is very refreshing since it makes people show their real faces and there's no room for pretending and faking. I'm thankful I ended up getting to know all those nutjobs in the middle of nowhere, none of them will probably ever read this but to hell with it, I love you people. I would be a lot more miserable if I hadn't met you all.

Scarred and incomplete people are beautiful. I really do believe that imperfections lead to perfection. At least in my eyes.

Now I'm gonna enjoy some tea and a Pop-Tart that was sent to me from the US from a girl I consider one of my best friends even though we've only known each other for a short while.