I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

Another long weekend in Jurva in the countryside. I have to brag now that this was my third weekend sober - not intentionally but half-accidentally. Well yes, I've been at the pub on both Thursdays but I don't count being buzzed as actual boozing (oh yes, I live in denial). Yay for a healthier lifestyle! I've actually had much more fun during the past three weekends than in a long time, partly because leaving the alcohol out means you have much more time to go and do, but also because I've started to feel more calm about things and my mind's not constantly all over the place anymore. I've stopped over-analyzing every single little thing that comes my way, which makes life easier both for me and for other people, and I've learned to detect when I'm overreacting to something. I think I'm finally figuring out how to prevent getting into an attention whore state before it's too late - even if I don't always feel like avoiding that state, I at least know I'm capable of doing so.

The weekend was, indeed, kickass. We spent hours playing in the snow: fighting with icicles and jumping into hugh piles of snow, and we also went extreme by tieing a kids' sled to a car after which we one by one slid on the deserted country roads. On Saturday we also built this sort of a café in the snow in the yard and enjoyed our afternoon coffee and pastry (which we spent an hour picking...) outside in the cold afternoon sun. Later that night we just pretty much talked until everyone was tired enough to fall asleep standing and I fell asleep relaxed and happy. Sunday morning was pretty exhausting though, I had some sort of a collapse and felt like a stupid, incompetent cow and ended up sobbing into my pillow, good thing the person sleeping next to me told me I was being moronic and that I should just trust my abilities and myself.

The whole idea behind Valentine's Day does actually appeal to me in a way, but I've always had something against the whole event, not just because of all the fuss and commercialization, but also because I think the whole idea of celebrating your friendships and lovey-dovey feelings towards someone on one single day is somewhat lame and doesn't do those things justice. I don't need any special day to remind people I like or fancy that I consider them special, I'd like to think I do that on a regular basis simply by staying in contact and asking people how they are and shit. I don't think showing people that they mean something to you needs any grand gestures, and most certainly not because it's something you should do because of some lameass pressure caused by a holiday. I mean it's nice and all to be told you're a delicious cupcake and that without you life would suck much more but I think people should be able to say or express in some other way that they feel that way whenever they find themselves thinking that.

I know I often appear unbreakable, kinda harsh and even cold in a way to people. Being weak, nice and somehow delicate has never been my cup of tea. Sarcasm is my weapon of choice even when no weapon is needed and I tend to emphasize rationality and its importance even in situations where I feel like exploding from all kinds of emotions that run inside my brain. However, that image hardly tells anything about my true nature. I've always been very emotional and still sometimes have trouble reacting to things on a normal level instead of going from one extreme to another in a heartbeat. Since I can remember, I've enjoyed all kinds of beautiful things and words, even many clichés: I seriously think there's something romantic about poetry, photographs where people hold hands or kiss and calling someone "kitten". This side of me is not something I would normally openly advertise since I don't want to seem like a blue-eyed silly girl who spends her days dreaming and doesn't have any clue of how cruel and cold the world really is. I do think I have a pretty good idea of how fucked-up life very often is and don't think I'm unable to face or deal with the harsh reality. Be that as it may, I consider this sappy side of me something I never want to lose because it makes me feel human. Being able to feel things intensely is something that keeps me wanting to breathe, I never want to grow cold and/or indifferent, even if I sometimes seem like I stare into space like a dead china doll.