Shallow means, deep ends.

I consider myself quite open-minded. I try my best to get to know people before I make any major judgements about them, even though a lot can be seen about a person somewhat quickly - not just by their looks but also by their smile, way of walking and talking, way of carrying oneself, way of treating other people and so on. There is one group of people I can hardly stand, though: those who aren't ready and willing to do the same. Close-mindedness can be rather intolerable. Being stubbornly unreceptive to other people's beliefs and thoughts, to their opinions, is one of the biggest things to make me want to go hulk on people's arses. Of course it's just natural to stand up for your own opinions and I encourage people to do that, it's just that having a different view on something doesn't mean you couldn't in any way try and understand any other way of seeing things, to try and see why someone stands behind that opposite-of-yours opinion. Debating is a nice hobby, I recommend it to anyone who can verbalize their own thoughts. However, I think it's more important to bring out new and different kind of ideas than to get stuck on who's right and who's wrong. I'm more than glad that not everyone sees the world the same way as I do, often it's those annoyingly intelligent bastards who always disagree with you that end up broadening your mind.

Every single thing in my life sort of feels like a big, raging red question mark right now.

You know with every cruel word that you utter
That you bury yourself even deeper every day
Oh little girl, there's enough love in this circle
You can shackle yourself or be free from this pain

You are the ocean and I'm good at drowning.

Okay, so I haven't been online much. My work leaves me so little spare time that when I actually do have the chance of enjoying some, I'm most likely anywhere but in front of my computer. My shifts can be anything from 5 hours to 10, more often the latter, and after organizing weddings, christenings and concerts as well as guiding tourists for more than six hours I can sure tell you I don't feel like dancing. Sometimes I've ended up dancing anyway. Maybe a couple times too many considering my current financial situation.


My workplace.

Meeting people under bizarre circumstances is funny. You get to know all kinds of individuals you never would've even noticed in your average daily life 'cause you were too busy concentrating on not looking up into people's eyes when walking in the streets. I love it how all kinds of people from all around come together when things go somehow unplanned, listening to different kinds of life stories is educating in so many ways - you learn as much about yourself as you learn about that new being in front of you. Perspective is perhaps the word I'm looking for here.

About a week ago me and Anni were sitting on the central square listening to PMMP when we randomly met this guy from the Netherlands, he was touring around Europe with his motorbike. We talked for a few hours and went to the pub for a few drinks, after which we decided to go swimming. At 4am we were still sitting in the park chatting about life, in our towels.

It's been amazingly hot in Tampere during the last three to four weeks, so I've been enjoying the summer outside sitting in parks and having picnics on beaches. Some days I've actually ended up going swimming three times on one day simply to escape the heat for some sad fifteen minutes before sweating like a fevered pig again. It's been cooler for a few days now but I heard the heat is planning on making a comeback this week, which I'm both looking forward to and freaking out about.

I actually have no idea how I'm doing. Good but melancholy? Happy? Dazed and confused? All I know is change doesn't hurt anymore and I'm welcoming it with an open heart even when doubt is present. I'll carry on drowning my busy head in work and all kinds of events until I know where I stand with my future, and I'm in no hurry finding that out. I'm enjoying every moment of my current life, even though I'm still running around like a headless chicken. I promise I'll stop before I collapse from exhaustion.

I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

Another long weekend in Jurva in the countryside. I have to brag now that this was my third weekend sober - not intentionally but half-accidentally. Well yes, I've been at the pub on both Thursdays but I don't count being buzzed as actual boozing (oh yes, I live in denial). Yay for a healthier lifestyle! I've actually had much more fun during the past three weekends than in a long time, partly because leaving the alcohol out means you have much more time to go and do, but also because I've started to feel more calm about things and my mind's not constantly all over the place anymore. I've stopped over-analyzing every single little thing that comes my way, which makes life easier both for me and for other people, and I've learned to detect when I'm overreacting to something. I think I'm finally figuring out how to prevent getting into an attention whore state before it's too late - even if I don't always feel like avoiding that state, I at least know I'm capable of doing so.

The weekend was, indeed, kickass. We spent hours playing in the snow: fighting with icicles and jumping into hugh piles of snow, and we also went extreme by tieing a kids' sled to a car after which we one by one slid on the deserted country roads. On Saturday we also built this sort of a café in the snow in the yard and enjoyed our afternoon coffee and pastry (which we spent an hour picking...) outside in the cold afternoon sun. Later that night we just pretty much talked until everyone was tired enough to fall asleep standing and I fell asleep relaxed and happy. Sunday morning was pretty exhausting though, I had some sort of a collapse and felt like a stupid, incompetent cow and ended up sobbing into my pillow, good thing the person sleeping next to me told me I was being moronic and that I should just trust my abilities and myself.

The whole idea behind Valentine's Day does actually appeal to me in a way, but I've always had something against the whole event, not just because of all the fuss and commercialization, but also because I think the whole idea of celebrating your friendships and lovey-dovey feelings towards someone on one single day is somewhat lame and doesn't do those things justice. I don't need any special day to remind people I like or fancy that I consider them special, I'd like to think I do that on a regular basis simply by staying in contact and asking people how they are and shit. I don't think showing people that they mean something to you needs any grand gestures, and most certainly not because it's something you should do because of some lameass pressure caused by a holiday. I mean it's nice and all to be told you're a delicious cupcake and that without you life would suck much more but I think people should be able to say or express in some other way that they feel that way whenever they find themselves thinking that.

I know I often appear unbreakable, kinda harsh and even cold in a way to people. Being weak, nice and somehow delicate has never been my cup of tea. Sarcasm is my weapon of choice even when no weapon is needed and I tend to emphasize rationality and its importance even in situations where I feel like exploding from all kinds of emotions that run inside my brain. However, that image hardly tells anything about my true nature. I've always been very emotional and still sometimes have trouble reacting to things on a normal level instead of going from one extreme to another in a heartbeat. Since I can remember, I've enjoyed all kinds of beautiful things and words, even many clichés: I seriously think there's something romantic about poetry, photographs where people hold hands or kiss and calling someone "kitten". This side of me is not something I would normally openly advertise since I don't want to seem like a blue-eyed silly girl who spends her days dreaming and doesn't have any clue of how cruel and cold the world really is. I do think I have a pretty good idea of how fucked-up life very often is and don't think I'm unable to face or deal with the harsh reality. Be that as it may, I consider this sappy side of me something I never want to lose because it makes me feel human. Being able to feel things intensely is something that keeps me wanting to breathe, I never want to grow cold and/or indifferent, even if I sometimes seem like I stare into space like a dead china doll.