Liar liar liar pants on fire.

I just arrived back home (aka to my apartment, I pretty much only feel I'm home when I'm moving from one place to another) yesterday morning and so far I've managed to do nothing but the following: 1) eat, 2) sleep. Considering that I have three essays to write and my bachelor's that is probably not such a good thing. The first essay's deadline was today. I was too sick to attend the lecture so I decided not to give back my essay either. The fact that I haven't even read the book it's supposed to be about and thus haven't actually written a word either have nothing to do with giving the finger to the deadline, of course. I wish I could say my conscience was even remotely concerned but honestly, I stopped caring once my feet touched the airport surface in Edinburgh.

Traveling can sometimes be kinda dangerous, it sometimes makes you realise how crappy and useless your life is at the place you would like to call home but really can't. I would love to tell my studies and responsibilities here to just fuck off but I'm too big of a sissy to actually do that. Most of the time I'm simply too conscientious to even try and make myself actually happy. A psychologist asked me last week what I'm satisfied with in my life. I could think of 29388 things that make me smile and instantly bring a temporary feeling of happiness but I couldn't really come up with anything in my current life situation I'd be actually satisfied with, not a thing. It was shocking. I need to start setting myself actual goals. I know I've accomplished a lot and that I'm far from a loser but in my own eyes I'm still merely half of what I could be.

We didn't actually manage to go back to Edinburgh before Monday night in the end but ended up staying in Glasgow for two more days. We met this incredibly sweet and hilarious Swiss guy with whom we went to see Yeasayer play live at 02 ABC. The gig was amazing, and even though I felt like fainting in my feverish state (I've had some sort of a killer flu bug ever since the weekend) I couldn't keep myself from dancing and jamming. When we finally did reach the airport after slouching, coughing, napping and eating shitloads of Tesco's delicious tuna salad, instead of sleeping we ended up talking to some Finnish girl who was studying photography near Edinburgh until 6am.


Basically an epitome of all we did on our trip.


I've been tired.


Yeasayer.

I have no clue what I'm gonna end up doing with my life now. I'm not sure if I'm able to talk myself into concentrating on school for just a little while more. Probably. But do I want to?

Bang bang, I hit the ground.

Feels good to be back in Tampere after touring Finland for almost four weeks. I haven't really spent one moment alone during the time I've been away and it shows, now that I'm back here in my studio apartment all alone and in peace it's almost as if I were in a completely different world. Right now this world might seem like a very sad and lonely place but I know that after some time I'll get used to just being by myself again. At least I hope so. My head's currently in a twisted rollercoaster ride and I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry. At least I'm home, whatever that means.

Home is such a complicated concept. For me, at least. I'm not sure which place I've tried more or less living in has felt most like home within the last, well, five years. There's always the place I grew up in, my childhood home, which is a place I can always go to and where I know there will be people who care for me, but it's those people and not that place that bring back the feeling of belonging somewhere for a short while. I, however, know I need to find my own place and crowd where I can be brutally and honestly myself again, somewhere where all my senses tell me to be and where my creativity can really flow. Even though I really enjoy being here, there's still something off about the situation. I'm not sure if it's the place or the people that give me that feeling, or just simply the wanderer mindset. I also know these things take time and I'm in no hurry, it's just that once you get the feeling of being where you're supposed to be for a short while, it's hard to get back to not knowing where you'd like to be again. This has happened to me multiple times, I think the worst time was when I came back from Germany after spending my whole summer there. Or perhaps it was last summer when I was still learning how to live without another person constantly somewhere in reach, I'm not sure if I had ever even ended up in this city if it wasn't for the person I was still living with a year ago. Either way, I'm gonna continue looking for the perfect place for my mind and body. Probably for another twentysome years?

One week to go before I get some money again. I'm already planning my grocery list. Can't wait to buy some nasty-smelling cheese again instead of the rubbery cheap one!

Love can damage your health.

Wow, life seems somehow way different now than the last time I wrote here. I actually ended up deleting the entry I wrote about a week ago after realising how emo I was sounding. Note to self: don't write your blog while miserable and drunk, you'll just regret it later.

What a week! Well, 9 days actually, but in any case. I just got back home (not home-home, my childhood home) on Monday and after that I've mostly just spent my time outside enjoying the steaming hot weather and the insides of my parents' fridge. One good thing about visiting this place is that there's always something delicious to shove in your mouth! My own fridge should consider itself happy if there's anything more than ketchup and cheese inside.

I ended up leaving for Oulu on Wednesday. It took me and Terhi probably less than five seconds to get into our usual (drunken) state of chaotic spontaneity and ludicrous madness. Wednesday night's party was fun until I for some reason decided to try and throw my boyfriend out of Terhi's apartment, my current level of stress has apparently turned me into a one-braincelled drama queen (people who know me well can keep their "oh but you've always been one" comments to themselves, thankyouverymuch ;). The weather's been crazily hot since Tuesday so I spent most of Thursday and Friday just laying on the grass in the park enjoying the sun, having a couple drinks and chatting in good company. On Friday we also had a party and I think it was somewhere around 8 a.m. when me and Henry finally arrived to Terhi's apartment, happy and exhausted under the morning sun.

I love summer mornings, they make me feel like I'm capable of anything at that moment. Nothing can compete with a long walk at 6 a.m. when the streets are still empty and the sun hasn't risen to its full glory just yet, you suddenly see immense beauty everywhere around you, even in the ugliest places in existence. All worries disappear for a brief second and you're able to breathe freely and feel the wonderful world breathe with you.

I got good news today, my job got extended for another month, which means I only have to study until the first of July. I probably would've left abroad next Fall anyway but this means I'll actually have some money to spend there. I have no idea where I'm heading yet but I usually decide that on my way there anyway.

Wake up
It's a beautiful morning
Honey, while the sun is still shining
Wake up
Would you like to go with me?
Honey, take a run down to the beach

Oh, mama
I wanna go surfing
Oh, mama
I don't care about nothing

Soon I'll be sober and unkissed.

It's weird to realise you're suddenly acting all relationshippy again. Only eight months ago I was going on and on about how I love being single and how I was perfectly certain I wasn't gonna tie myself to anyone or anything in a long long time because I felt I was too immature and fucked up not to screw things up. I wasn't kidding, I'm still pretty messed up and indeed was hesitant and anything but ready to commit to an actual relationship until perhaps February or March this year, and even now I'm somewhat freaked out by the fact that I actually have a person in my life I'm supposed to share all my stories with and who takes up roughly half of my mindspace on a day I'm not particularly busy or concentrated on other things. Not that I wasn't all giddy about the fact that all this has happened, it's just that I'm kinda surprised how things turned out. I was so sure this wasn't going to work out. Being wrong isn't always so bad, I have a guy with identical music/film/book taste now, someone who actually gets the references I make. Most of the time I still sincerely dislike not being right, though.

It's funny to realise you're slowly growing out of certain attitudes and behaviours that have been bothering you more or less since you learned to think. Take my neuroticism, for example, even though I still sometimes get into a hysterical state, I'm mostly able to calm myself down before I start hyperventilating and panicking uncontrollably. Am I growing up? Is this the part where I'm supposed to start looking back and feeling all conceited about not being the person I was when I was oh so young and foolish? Don't think so, I'm still the same Peter Pan with a grin on my face, just a tad more sane version now.

I'm actually in Raahe now visiting my folks. My mom's sick in bed so I'm helping the best way I can, mostly by cooking, cleaning and making sure she doesn't try to skip the bed rest and get back to business. I'm glad I'm here now 'cause otherwise she would have to do everything by herself since the gender roles in my family are still very traditional. Yesterday was Mother's Day so I guess this is one way of showing how thankful I am for everything she's done for me , and also probably a better way than giving her a rose and some cake like I did yesterday morning. Also, I have practically nothing to do here so at least I can be productive in some way. I'm pretty much broke at the moment so I'll probably be staying here for a couple weeks. I can manage a couple days but I'm sure I'll explode out of frustration unless I figure out a better way or place to spend my time before the weekend.

Now let's see what the new Crystal Castles album sounds like. I'll die a little inside if it sucks.

Mitäpä jos sä pelkäät turhaan?

I enjoy being in a rush. I get more stressed and anxious when I have nothing to do than when I'm constanly on my way somewhere. Seeing my calendar filled with events that have been written in different colours depending on how important they are excites me, I lose my mind when I'm stuck somewhere without company and action. I'd probably end up chewing off my own toes and fingers just out of pure boredom if I became unemployed for a longer period of time, I'd rather work as a street fundraiser or telemarketer than just sit around in my pyjamas all day long.

I'm heading back north to visit my folks this weekend. I have to admit that I'm not exactly jumping out of joy since every time I go there I feel like I'm going back in time. Suddenly all those things I had already forgotten come back to haunt me and I withdraw back into my shell where I spent most of my early teenage years in. I'm looking forward to giving my mom, dad and baby brother a big hug, though, it's not (entirely) their fault I felt so trapped in that town some five to ten years ago.

I've never been big on planning ahead and I hate grey routine life but not having any routines also makes life pretty unbearable after a while. I've always been pretty OCD and I need to do certain things in a certain order to keep myself sane. My sister ordered the daily newspaper for me for two months and I'm already excited about once again having the chance of reading a paper during my morning coffee after taking a shower and picking out socks that match my underwear.

My future remains a question mark, but at least I feel I'm going in the right direction now.

[21:09:53] <@tepaturmio> mä kiusasin eilen kehitysvammasta baarissa

First time home in a month, and I never really intended to stay away for more than just a week. Not that I'm complaining - honestly, I don't really feel all that excited now that I'm back here in my tiny flat thinking about all the studying and getting my shit together I won't be doing during the next few months and/or years. It's not that I don't love this city and the vibes you get here, it's just that there really isn't much reason to stay here for me anymore, and if that doesn't change, I have no idea what place I'm gonna call my home without really meaning it next year.

My visit to my friends' commune in the middle of nowhere got a bit longer than expected, instead of just one day I ended up staying for 11. The place has become almost like a safe haven for me, like a much needed vacation away from reality. I can honestly say that I haven't even thought about my life here in Tampere in a few weeks, not that all the liquid luck I've been shoving down my throat hasn't had any effect on that but still. Good times, great people, laughing until your cheeks are sore and your stomach is feels like you've just done the grade school gym test a hundred times, nightly drunken chats and waking up curled up in three blankets and maybe someone in particular's leg.

I seriously need to start changing my eating habits. I can practically go five days with just a couple of crappy noodle meals and then go all Miss Piggy during the weekend. My waist is starting to remind that of an elephant after the holidays because it's been like a month-long junk fest, and I'm not just talking about food.

When the day is through, I suffer no regrets
I know that he who frets, loses the night
For only a fool, thinks he can hold back the dawn
He who is wise never tries to revise what's past and gone

Live love today, and come tomorrow what may
Don't even stop for a sigh, it doesn't help if you cry
That's how I'll live and I'll die
Devil may care

What are you waiting for, a certain shade of green? Would a written invitation signed "choose now or lose it all" sedate your hesitation?

I'm visiting my folks now in Raahe. Feels good to actually see it in their faces that they've missed me. I've missed them too, my nutjob parents and my dearest baby brother - who actually seems much older in behaviour and perhaps even looks than I do myself. I'm very bad at keeping contact with people I don't see on a regular basis, I hope my family members realise they're often in my mind even if I hardly ever manage to express it in any verbal form. It's also very liberating to notice that I no longer have any need to maintain some ideal image of myself in front of my parents, I can just honestly tell them what's up and how I've been and they have to deal with it whether they like it or not. I used to be utterly unable to tell them anything real or meaningful about my thoughts, life and just myself in general, I cared too much if they understood or not, now it's kinda all the same. However, I'm pretty sure my visit won't last as long as this lot here is expecting. I already feel a bit anxious for being here, not for being at home but for being in this city and state of mind it causes. There are still too many negative vibes in the air when I think about the "good" old days here, I'm sure I'll get over my angst eventually but it's too soon now. The ghosts are still whispering all around.

I hate appearing weak, desperate and/or needy. I'm used to bitchslapping myself every so often just to avoid saying hello too many times a day or going for a walk alone just to make my mind shut up about all the things I actually want to know even though I hardly ever admit it to myself that I do care about that stuff on such level. I have to wear this mask of coolness whatever the case and it cracks me up at times, I have no idea how to handle things or myself if the mask slips. I don't know if I could deal with rejection right now, and I don't know how I would deal with the opposite either. A week ago I wrote "I feel strong enough to take whatever it is that will happen" but I think I already knew back then that it was a lie. I'm not, I'm a sappy, miserable weakling. I over-analyse everything and have such attention whore tendencies that it's sometimes hard for me to breathe, I need my tea and sympathy in order not to explode, and I need to feel wanted.

Unabashed honesty would be ideal
but a prophet did once say that honesty is a lonely word.
So where do we go from here... Abandon ship now?
My problem is you made me melt and I don't want to be frozen anymore.