Keeping up appearances.

I'm sitting on my bed right now, trying to fight the exhaustion that's been suffocating my train of thought for the last couple of weeks. I've been at work pretty much 24/7 and it's starting to get on my nerves to the point where I feel like sticking a stake through people's chest if they start acting stupid (and yes, I've been watching too much Buffy). I can't even describe how good it feels to know I'll be done with this crap in 9 days, otherwise I'd probably start crying puddles of bitter, black blood within a day or two. No normal person can survive having to work eight to ten hours every Saturday and Sunday.

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote here, though, which might also have something to do with the mood I've been in lately. Most of those things have actually been good, but when you're already drowning in work, exams and all kinds of tasks and troubles, having to deal with one new thing after another at such a speed can get quite overwhelming.

My boyfriend got into a school here in Tampere and we're now living in the same city for the first time, which is just super, especially since we weren't even sure if we were gonna be able to continue this bizarre thing of ours after this summer due to complicated circumstances. I'm so proud of him, getting where he is now has been anything but easy. It gives me hope to see someone so close to me actually reaching a goal they've been fighting years for, even when the light at the end of the tunnel has seemed like it's burned out.

I also went to see the xx at Flow festival about a week ago. It's been a while since I felt live music go through me like that. I used to live and breathe live music, I went to every concert and gig I knew about and experienced life at its fullest whenever I heard those first few sounds from the guitar or microphone, nothing felt so ecstatically good as standing there tasting hearing moving sensing smelling listening breathing. I haven't experienced that in years, but I got a glimpse of what it was like back then when I was standing there, listening to those 20-year-old geniuses. If I some day manage to create something as moving as those sounds - whether through words, music or pictures, or pretty much anything - I can die satisfied.

Uni starts next week. I'm pretty excited, for once. It's gonna be a busy fall, I'm taking so many classes I'm probably going to die before Christmas, but it's fine. The classes, not the dying. But I'm a supergirl, and supergirls don't cry.

I'm going to stop pretending that I didn't break your heart.

It's hard to realise how much you've actually hurt someone, even if it happened a long time ago, even if there was no other way out of the situation than to burn the bridge you were standing on. I'm a good swimmer and usually find a shore to climb out on pretty quickly, but for others it sometimes takes a while to get their head above the surface again. However, the look on a person's face right after you've pushed them off a cliff isn't something you want to remember, even though it's a face you never really manage to forget.

The last few weeks have been somewhat chaotic. There have been days I've been dancing around on the streets just happy to be alive and days I've been laying on the kitchen floor just hoping this was somebody else's life. I think I've reached a balance of some kind now, though. I guess happiness and grief simply walk hand in hand, and honestly, I wouldn't change this uphill downhill race for stability even though that would make living so much easier.

I went to see Huoratron with Henry, Anni and Hannes on last Friday and the gig was ecstatically good. I can't remember the last time I danced my muscles sore like that. Well, the week before that actually, but it was different because it wasn't to live music.

Oh, and, I spontaneously booked flights to Düsseldorf. We'll see if I ever catch my flight back.

I'm tired of the old shit
Let the new shit begin

Your hand in mine it's easier to suffer.

Today was the first time in ages that I wasn't totally exhausted and hungover on a Sunday. I've actually enjoyed this day quite a bit, first I took a long walk in the snowy woods with a friend of mine, then I visited my sister and finally managed to get my laudry done, after that I had a nice cup of tea with another friend who decided to pay a surprise visit to my place. Feels good to actually feel alive and sober during the weekend for a change. Well yes, this mood might have something to do with the fact that I spent whole yesterday lying in bed, watching Being Human and Black Books, unable to get up because of all the wine I had the night before.

Friday night was also good, though. I went to see Declan de Barra (aka the lead singer of Clann Zú) at this club, what a voice the lovely Irish bastard has, I can honestly say that I shed a tear or two during the gig. I had a 15-minute chat with the guy later on that night and was really impressed by his down-to-earth personality and warmth, I think he mentioned he's coming back to Finland during the summer. Everyone who reads this should really go and see him play in case he does.

This was actually my first weekend in Tampere since the beginning of December, and probably also the last one for a while since I'm leaving for Helsinki next Friday and there's the Depeche Mode gig and all. It's funny to realise that now that I'm actually kinda ready to leave this city and find a new environment to adjust in, I actually feel more comfortable about being and staying here than I've felt since I moved here in 2008.

I'm smiling.

A buzzing hive of self-synapsis and nascent self-perception.

I never said that I had any answers
I never claimed to be the better man
I've got no integrity to cling to
I don't have myself a backup plan

for twenty some odd years I've made a mess of things
I've lost most of the friendships that I've made
and I've burned a lot of bridges and it hurts me still to say
but I never intended it that way

I'm screwed. Sadly not literally.

I woke up before 9 to buy Depeche Mode concert tickets (2.2. in Helsinki) before they got sold out. 62 fucking euros for one ticket, I was already totally broke before that, I know I shouldn't have bought it but I'd rather die of starvation than miss the opportunity to finally see the best fucking band in the world live in my own home country. I'm probably gonna have to enjoy nails for breakfast for the next four months 'cause unless I miraculously get a job somewhere (which seems really hopeless), I'm barely gonna have enough cash to pay my monthly rent and the household bills. I'm also supposed to leave for London on Wednesday and already the Stansted Express costs 38£ altogether to Liverpool Street and back. Am I fucking bonkers?! Will be interesting see how long I'm willing to live off pot noodles before I'm desperate enough to ask my mother for some money. It will probably take a while. Swallowing my pride is something I've never been good at, I'm willing to go through hell before breaking the illusion of my independence, especially now that I'm old (:D).

I haven't really had much sleep lately, last night I managed to close my eyes for three whole hours. "Had much sleep" is sounds kinda misleading, though, 'cause I've been staying up until 7am by my own choice. Partly because of that I've started to drink my coffee black, which I've never really done before. It's actually almost better that way, more convenient and also cheaper. In June and July I probably drank coffee three times a week but now I have to have at least three cups a day to stay energetic. "Energetic" in my case means going ADHD on myself.

Please someone send me money! Or a job! Food! Anything!

(OH MY GOD I'M GONNA SEE DEPECHE MODE LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!1 DEPECHE FUCKING MODE!)