I'm going to stop pretending that I didn't break your heart.

It's hard to realise how much you've actually hurt someone, even if it happened a long time ago, even if there was no other way out of the situation than to burn the bridge you were standing on. I'm a good swimmer and usually find a shore to climb out on pretty quickly, but for others it sometimes takes a while to get their head above the surface again. However, the look on a person's face right after you've pushed them off a cliff isn't something you want to remember, even though it's a face you never really manage to forget.

The last few weeks have been somewhat chaotic. There have been days I've been dancing around on the streets just happy to be alive and days I've been laying on the kitchen floor just hoping this was somebody else's life. I think I've reached a balance of some kind now, though. I guess happiness and grief simply walk hand in hand, and honestly, I wouldn't change this uphill downhill race for stability even though that would make living so much easier.

I went to see Huoratron with Henry, Anni and Hannes on last Friday and the gig was ecstatically good. I can't remember the last time I danced my muscles sore like that. Well, the week before that actually, but it was different because it wasn't to live music.

Oh, and, I spontaneously booked flights to Düsseldorf. We'll see if I ever catch my flight back.

I'm tired of the old shit
Let the new shit begin

Se on sellanen fiilis kun lentokoneella nousee, hyppää ja laskuvarjoo ei oo tullut mukaan.

Not getting worked up about past events that probably should be worth getting worked up about is in a way a refreshing experience as much as it saddens sometimes. People have the right to choose whether they want to give up on a struggling friendship or not. Some ships that you thought would be Titanics before actually turn out to be merely rowing boats. Weird. Oh well.

I'm not sure what I'm getting myself into but I like the current state of affairs in my life. Life has been a bit easier for a short while now, I've felt happier than in a long time. I know this happiness will end up hurting me as well on some level, and I know that I can never prepare myself enough for that but maybe the point of these things is to be unprepared and just let go of all that repressed fear and doubt. I feel strong enough to take whatever it is that will happen.

It's time to take it easy now. I'm in no hurry, my life will happen whether I stress over it or not. Better to just lay back and watch. I may have my heart-shaped sunglasses on.