A buzzing hive of self-synapsis and nascent self-perception.

I never said that I had any answers
I never claimed to be the better man
I've got no integrity to cling to
I don't have myself a backup plan

for twenty some odd years I've made a mess of things
I've lost most of the friendships that I've made
and I've burned a lot of bridges and it hurts me still to say
but I never intended it that way

I'm screwed. Sadly not literally.

I woke up before 9 to buy Depeche Mode concert tickets (2.2. in Helsinki) before they got sold out. 62 fucking euros for one ticket, I was already totally broke before that, I know I shouldn't have bought it but I'd rather die of starvation than miss the opportunity to finally see the best fucking band in the world live in my own home country. I'm probably gonna have to enjoy nails for breakfast for the next four months 'cause unless I miraculously get a job somewhere (which seems really hopeless), I'm barely gonna have enough cash to pay my monthly rent and the household bills. I'm also supposed to leave for London on Wednesday and already the Stansted Express costs 38£ altogether to Liverpool Street and back. Am I fucking bonkers?! Will be interesting see how long I'm willing to live off pot noodles before I'm desperate enough to ask my mother for some money. It will probably take a while. Swallowing my pride is something I've never been good at, I'm willing to go through hell before breaking the illusion of my independence, especially now that I'm old (:D).

I haven't really had much sleep lately, last night I managed to close my eyes for three whole hours. "Had much sleep" is sounds kinda misleading, though, 'cause I've been staying up until 7am by my own choice. Partly because of that I've started to drink my coffee black, which I've never really done before. It's actually almost better that way, more convenient and also cheaper. In June and July I probably drank coffee three times a week but now I have to have at least three cups a day to stay energetic. "Energetic" in my case means going ADHD on myself.

Please someone send me money! Or a job! Food! Anything!

(OH MY GOD I'M GONNA SEE DEPECHE MODE LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!1 DEPECHE FUCKING MODE!)