I'm visiting my folks now in Raahe. Feels good to actually see it in their faces that they've missed me. I've missed them too, my nutjob parents and my dearest baby brother - who actually seems much older in behaviour and perhaps even looks than I do myself. I'm very bad at keeping contact with people I don't see on a regular basis, I hope my family members realise they're often in my mind even if I hardly ever manage to express it in any verbal form. It's also very liberating to notice that I no longer have any need to maintain some ideal image of myself in front of my parents, I can just honestly tell them what's up and how I've been and they have to deal with it whether they like it or not. I used to be utterly unable to tell them anything real or meaningful about my thoughts, life and just myself in general, I cared too much if they understood or not, now it's kinda all the same. However, I'm pretty sure my visit won't last as long as this lot here is expecting. I already feel a bit anxious for being here, not for being at home but for being in this city and state of mind it causes. There are still too many negative vibes in the air when I think about the "good" old days here, I'm sure I'll get over my angst eventually but it's too soon now. The ghosts are still whispering all around.
I hate appearing weak, desperate and/or needy. I'm used to bitchslapping myself every so often just to avoid saying hello too many times a day or going for a walk alone just to make my mind shut up about all the things I actually want to know even though I hardly ever admit it to myself that I do care about that stuff on such level. I have to wear this mask of coolness whatever the case and it cracks me up at times, I have no idea how to handle things or myself if the mask slips. I don't know if I could deal with rejection right now, and I don't know how I would deal with the opposite either. A week ago I wrote "I feel strong enough to take whatever it is that will happen" but I think I already knew back then that it was a lie. I'm not, I'm a sappy, miserable weakling. I over-analyse everything and have such attention whore tendencies that it's sometimes hard for me to breathe, I need my tea and sympathy in order not to explode, and I need to feel wanted.
Unabashed honesty would be ideal
but a prophet did once say that honesty is a lonely word.
So where do we go from here... Abandon ship now?
My problem is you made me melt and I don't want to be frozen anymore.
