Hold your hair back.

I'm sitting at our hostel's lounge room in Glasgow and my head's doing its best to kill me after last night's nightly ventures. I just dragged both me and Terhi's stuff downstairs from the 6th or 7th floor only to check us both out, about Terhi's whereabouts I have no clue. I know she's better than fine, though, wherever she's at. That doesn't keep me from kicking her huge arse if she doesn't show up soon, pretty much the opposite.

Glasgow in general has been a pretty weird experience. Yesterday was great, first we went to Primark just to immediately get into a state we normally call Lidl psychosis, aka got so very overwhelmed by every piece of clothing that we basically went utterly insane for a few hours and ended up buying too much stuff to actually fit our backpacks. After that we went out to have a few drinks, randomly met some Swedish guys, and in the end ended up clubbing at Bamboo which seems to be one of the most popular clubs here, for a very good reason. My feet are sore from dancing and my brains sore from not-thinking-but-drinking but I'm still glad to say hangovers abroad aren't nearly as bad as those at home. I'm pretty sure it's just an attitude thing.

The night before yesterday wasn't all that great, I haven't really had any negative experiences from couchsurfing before but that night was pretty much one of the creepiest ever in my life. I actually had to send a text before I fell asleep that if I hadn't texted my sister back before 2pm the next day, I'm probably dead or lying somewhere in a basement in chains. Fortunately we did actually wake up all of our limbs still attached and very much alive. Never before have I fallen asleep next to someone with a knife-shaped hair needle in her hand, just in case.

I think I'm gonna take a nap now on one of the huge couches here, they have been inviting me to jump on them for a long time now. Then it's Edinburgh time again. The most important thing right now is that I'm still alive, not just breathing. Although right now just the breathing part is something I'm so bloody thankful for.

You've never seen the lonely me at all.

I got a surprise visit from four nutjobs on Monday and I'm still kinda hungover from that, at least mentally. It's pretty entertaining to watch how groups form themselves, i.e. our little friend gang has become quite close during the past few weeks even though most of us just met each other a couple months ago. We're all so very different but still somehow the same essentially. It feels less lonely to be all messed up in your head when you're with people who are crawling in the same fucked-up mess trying to get up but failing.

I've never been someone with loads of close friends. I know thousands of people and make friends easily with most people I meet but it's hard for me to actually let people get to know me. What bothers me about Tampere is that I still haven't managed to form myself an actual safenet except for my sister. I know tons of lovely people and mostly always have someone to go out boozing with but it's not the same thing. I miss having actual conversations with people face to face, I'm kinda sick of talking about general bullshit that really tells nothing about you and doesn't interest anyone.



Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me
Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness
Bullshit fakers, enchanted kingdoms
The fashion victims chew their charcoal teeth
I never let on, that I was on a sinking ship
I never let on that I was down
You blame yourself, for what you can't ignore
You blame yourself for wanting more

Piikkilankaa punoo sydämeni ympärilleen.

Ok, now I'm officially on holiday, I had my last exam today and the next time I'm obligated to drag my arse to the campus is on January 11th, which means I have a whole damn month to just lay around in my underwear and do whatever I please. I might actually manage to read something that hasn't got anything to do with school for a change, I haven't really had enough time or patience to do that in... well, let's just say it's been a while. It's kinda sad that I have no desire whatsoever to even open a book nowadays, I used to read all the time. It's not like it's a must but I'd like to go back to enjoying stuff like that again.

Last Thursday was hilarious. I meant to just quickly visit the Christmas party my professors and uni mates had organized - well, the night got a bit longer than that, I arrived home around 5am. I ended up dancing Viennese waltz with my literature professor, and I also ended up dancing at some random club with people whose faces I forgot already on my way back to my flat. It was fun, though, I hadn't showered and was looking like an insomniac junkie because it was a wholly spontaneous party trip, which is probably why I felt a lot more relaxed and actually attracted quite an amount of attention. My ego was pleased. Gotta do that more often, apparently getting yourself ready actually makes you more self-conscious than self-confident.

I have always answered the question "do you have a best friend?" with a sigh and a frustrated "no, I don't do best friends" - which is true in both ways, unless they're someone else's - but in a way it's been a lie for many years now. I hate putting all kinds of relationships in any particular order, but I guess in the end it's just normal to do that unconsciously since some people you simply feel closer to than others. However, I'm ready to come out of the closet now - I do have a best friend: myself. This concept for me is, however, not at all black and white, since there are basically two people I include to "myself", and one of them is as far as I know another person in another body. Our relationship is very much like the one Jack and Tyler have in Fight Club, except we switch our roles on a daily basis. There have been some Marla Singers in our life, too, but so far none of them have been invited to stay to watch the great explosion with us - maybe because as far as we have eatch other, we don't really need any third wheel to stick around. Anyway, the main point is that me and my personal Tyler/Jack are gonna make our It's Complicated public during the holidays by inking an important symbol into our flesh.

I know I'm a hedonistic narcissist most of the time. I also know it's probably not healthy when it gets extreme. I still fail to see it as a problem - my problem, anyway, and in case it's someone else's, I really don't give a crap. This is my means of survival, my defence mechanism when the reality tries to kick in.