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Yesterday I was so hungover I could've just crawled into a cave somewhere to die if I had found one. I don't know if I've actually gotten so old or if my body's just unwilling to cooperate nowadays but for some reason I can't have one drink anymore without feeling like I've been recycled the next day. I know there's a simple solution to this problem of mine but it's hard to be a quitter at a time like this. Ha ha. Just show me the way to the bloody cave the next time I end up somewhere I'm not supposed to be at on a school night.
I don't feel like writing (or even talking) much these days, mostly I just sit and stare and do what I'm told or expected to. I spend most of my little free time watching bad TV-series and listening to gloomy instrumental post-rock in my pyjamas. I don't much feel like meeting people or going out, I'd rather stay under the blankets in the dark. My life probably sounds pretty depressing to anyone else but honestly, I don't feel particularly unhappy, I actually feel alright and enjoy my quiet loneliness most of the time. Also, I'm currently writing my Bachelor's thesis on the portrayal of women in German TV commercials, so at least I won't be seen as a total loser in the future but a loser with a degree. Not that my degree's of any huge importance in the real world but at least I have something to brag about.
Apparently people often think I'm a social butterfly. It's kind of hilarious since I personally see myself as an antisocial wuss who has thousands of acquaintances but only few real friends that actually know her. It's a lovely realisation, really. Clearly I'm a terrific actress without even knowing it, maybe I should reconsider my career choice. I've also gathered I'm usually seen as some kind of a superwoman, as a confident, strong Yes We Can girl who can take anything that passes her way without even breaking a nail or a single piece of her heart. Even more hilarious in a way.
I'm spending this weekend at a rented summerhouse with my family. The house is literally in the middle of nowhere, it's on an island in the middle of a great lake and you can only get there on a ferry, and the island is so small there's practically no one but us there. I can't wait to escape the city for a few days in a place where I can just eat tons of greasy food cooked over a bonfire, walk around aimlessly with my camera, have Yatzy marathons at night and laugh hysterically when my sister farts. Let the fun begin!
Where I'm planning to sit and stare throughout the weekend.
My amazingly gorgeous hiking shoes I'm never brave enough to wear here in the city.
I love the smell of autumn in the air, the fresh cold breeze that blows right through your t-shirt in the morning before the flaming summer sun starts heatin up your entire living and being. If I had to pick a season to describe myself, I'd go for autumn in a millisecond; the inbetweener, the moody, the warmest coldest time that leaves you feeling melancholy in a happy way. I'm already looking forward to wearing knee-high wool socks, knitted sweaters, mittens and scarves and drowning myself in a sea of blankets just to keep warm during the night. I also think autumn is the most romantic season of the four with its colours, red cheeks and fallen leaves.
My all-time favourite tree in front of our Uni.
I also love the university during summer. There are not much people around, only a few with their heads drowned in thick smelly books, and there's never any line in the cafeteria when you go get your daily dose of caffeine. It's funny how some place so alive can turn into a place so empty in just a few weeks. I have to admit I actually love our uni at all times and seasons, though, it's a place where you may as easily get lost as find yourself, and where you can watch other wanderers do the same, where you can watch people live without getting too close to anyone's private space. I was never really meaning to end up studying what I do, to end up living where and how I do, but I'm so amazingly glad I did. Even if this may not be the rightest path for me in the end, it's been a very lovely path that I needed to take to get a grip on myself again.
This is me now. Only I year ago I wasn't half as sure who the person breathing with my lungs was. I guess that's essentially all that matters, that you know you're you and that you're alright with that.
Last night I was staying at this hostel in Helsinki, watching Sezen sleep and just wandering around photographing and thinking. It felt good to be there - talking to people from everywhere around the world, sipping cups of foamy hot chocolate and smoking a few cigarettes every now and then on a beautiful balcony under the stars. It was the first time this Fall that I actually had the time to just gaze at the nightsky and exhale. Those stars have probably seen some stories most people on this planet couldn't even imagine hearing, not to mention experiencing. I decided to stay up just to make sure Sezen wouldn't miss her bus to the airport, but after some drunken pizza face decided to harass me, I ended up accompanying her all the way to her gate. We laughed our arses off even when we were saying goodbye, which was good 'cause I probably would've collapsed totally if I had started crying even a bit. Apparently she missed her flight to America in Heathrow, though, which is very absurd - fortunately I know she's a survivor and will eventually get anywhere fine.
The last 2½ weeks have been kinda rough. I can't remember the last time I slept more than 3 hours per night (or day). I've been running around at the Uni almost daily while trying to recover from London and entertaining Sezen at the same time. I hope I managed to make her feel welcome and relaxed at my place, she's really such an amazing character. I even like all her weird quirks and her fucked-up mind. I'm gonna miss finding mustard from the bathroom floor and running around in cellophane in the middle of the night. She made me feel less alone in the world, not just by being around but by understanding me in a way most people never will or can.
Now I'm staying at my sister's in Helsinki, it's gonna be a busy night again 'cause my other sister's joining us soon and we're probably heading out tonight (sauna+swim, pizza+beer, pub?) - and my friend Mario from Austria is arriving to Tampere today, which means next week is gonna be hella busy as well. I have no idea when I'm gonna have the next chance to actually get a good night's sleep, but I guess I'll just have to bite my tongue and deal with it 'cause I'd rather do that than miss any opportunity to see these people.
I've made a plan to get the hell away from Finland as soon as possible, and I'm gonna try my best to stick to it. Next week I'm gonna apply for an exchange year in London and if that doesn't work out, I'm just gonna sell all my stuff and try to find a job there or somewhere else. I think that is what I need now to make myself feel more complete and less depressed and distressed. Anyone who tries to talk me out of it because it's not reasonable or possible can just suck my mental dick and shut the fuck up. I know so many people who have never even really tried to change their unhappy lives and have just accepted being unsatisfied with everything because "that's just how it goes". At least I can say I tried when and if I find myself stuck in a life I never wanted to have.
Who knows, maybe I'm never gonna belong anywhere, but I might as well check how I feel somewhere else. Manywhere else (new word!). Right now I just need some good old alone time to sleep, eat and exercise. A week to go...
Nothing is under control but everything is fine.
