Last night I was staying at this hostel in Helsinki, watching Sezen sleep and just wandering around photographing and thinking. It felt good to be there - talking to people from everywhere around the world, sipping cups of foamy hot chocolate and smoking a few cigarettes every now and then on a beautiful balcony under the stars. It was the first time this Fall that I actually had the time to just gaze at the nightsky and exhale. Those stars have probably seen some stories most people on this planet couldn't even imagine hearing, not to mention experiencing. I decided to stay up just to make sure Sezen wouldn't miss her bus to the airport, but after some drunken pizza face decided to harass me, I ended up accompanying her all the way to her gate. We laughed our arses off even when we were saying goodbye, which was good 'cause I probably would've collapsed totally if I had started crying even a bit. Apparently she missed her flight to America in Heathrow, though, which is very absurd - fortunately I know she's a survivor and will eventually get anywhere fine.
The last 2½ weeks have been kinda rough. I can't remember the last time I slept more than 3 hours per night (or day). I've been running around at the Uni almost daily while trying to recover from London and entertaining Sezen at the same time. I hope I managed to make her feel welcome and relaxed at my place, she's really such an amazing character. I even like all her weird quirks and her fucked-up mind. I'm gonna miss finding mustard from the bathroom floor and running around in cellophane in the middle of the night. She made me feel less alone in the world, not just by being around but by understanding me in a way most people never will or can.
Now I'm staying at my sister's in Helsinki, it's gonna be a busy night again 'cause my other sister's joining us soon and we're probably heading out tonight (sauna+swim, pizza+beer, pub?) - and my friend Mario from Austria is arriving to Tampere today, which means next week is gonna be hella busy as well. I have no idea when I'm gonna have the next chance to actually get a good night's sleep, but I guess I'll just have to bite my tongue and deal with it 'cause I'd rather do that than miss any opportunity to see these people.
I've made a plan to get the hell away from Finland as soon as possible, and I'm gonna try my best to stick to it. Next week I'm gonna apply for an exchange year in London and if that doesn't work out, I'm just gonna sell all my stuff and try to find a job there or somewhere else. I think that is what I need now to make myself feel more complete and less depressed and distressed. Anyone who tries to talk me out of it because it's not reasonable or possible can just suck my mental dick and shut the fuck up. I know so many people who have never even really tried to change their unhappy lives and have just accepted being unsatisfied with everything because "that's just how it goes". At least I can say I tried when and if I find myself stuck in a life I never wanted to have.
Who knows, maybe I'm never gonna belong anywhere, but I might as well check how I feel somewhere else. Manywhere else (new word!). Right now I just need some good old alone time to sleep, eat and exercise. A week to go...
Nothing is under control but everything is fine.
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2 comments:
I whole-heartily approve and concur with your plans to get "hell away from Finland" (as your so eloquently put). Go out and meet the world, I'll follow you afterwards (most probably not to the same place, but anyway).
(And yes, for some reason I do read this blog, despite my ever-increasing creepiness factor).
"Ever-increasing creepiness factor" :D Don't worry, I gave you the link myself, I'm just glad someone else also bothers to read this shite. Hih.
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