I want a lover I don't have to love, I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck.

I fucking love being single. I don't have to explain myself and my actions to anyone anymore, I'm the only one who has to deal with stuff that happens. Since I can remember I've always been in (some kind of) a relationshit, I have no idea why or how that's always happened because I've always been sorta hesitant to start one even with people I've really been into. I don't consider any of those times or people a mistake and I regret nothing, but I am aware of how lousy relationship material I am, especially right now. In a way I feel sorry for all those great people I've ended up hurting and bruising, sometimes even ruining, but as they say, what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. I'm just good at making people stronger, I guess. You can all thank me later. Aaaanyways, this time I'm planning on staying free for some time, I'm really not looking for any kind of deep and meaningful friendship of the souls (yuck) 'cause I already know I'm way too immature and fucked up not to screw things up by behaving like a retard. Next time I even try to have more than just a random fling with someone I want to make sure in advance that the other person's just as big of a mental case than I am, I need to know there's a big chance that both of us are gonna (at least try to) mess it up every now and then. It kinda sucks to be the only one who's always lost in her own life and mind.

Finally I've got some quality alone time. Turns out it's harder than I thought to adjust to that, though. I guess I haven't been busying myself just because it's been forced upon me, continually preoccupying yourself always works when you want a holiday from your own mind. As exhausting as these past times have been, I still miss them like hell already. I'm not sure if I want to get used to just being at one place watching Scrubs and translating English articles again. I know I have to, at least for a while, so I might as well try and enjoy it while it lasts.

Also, apparently I'm not allowed to apply for that exchange thingy in London, so I've been looking for flats and random jobs there today. I'm sure everything would and will turn out fine eventually if I just make sure I have enough friends and money there before I jump on a plane. We'll see, I have no idea when that's gonna happen and with whom.