Death by crying doesn't exist though the headaches feel a bit like it.

I've been staying at my sister's since yesterday. She's been kind enough to feed me and to offer me a place to stay now that my own apartment's become some sort of an emotional prison for some time. For how long, I don't know, I'm gonna have to return there sooner or later and face what's happened. For now I'd rather just sleepwalk through the days, awake. Through the days actually sounds a bit absurd now that I'm mostly trying to take a minute at a time.

My life's now officially become a one-person drama instead of a struggling love story. The relationship I've officially been in since the beginning of the year and in some way since last fall has now been put to an end. There's no pointing fingers, things simply just evolved to this point, and even though it now feels like someone's just shoved a chainsaw through my chest and inserted a 300-kg weight in the place where my heart's supposed to be, I know it was the right decision in our situation. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier, though, I'm still in such a state of shock that everything around me seems somehow unreal and I've lost all interest in thinking, talking, eating, sleeping or pretty much just getting up from the couch. I'm sure we'll one day be good friends again but right now just waiting for the pain to stop is a bit too much to deal with.

I've actually been thinking about leaving Finland for a while. There's nothing keeping me here now, I just have to make sure I handle everything I have going on here well enough before I go. In a way I'm already excited to see what the future has decided to bring into my life. I'm sure I'll be even more excited once I get rid of the weight inside my chest pulling me down. It's a bloody big weight, I'm sure it will take a long time to actually disappear, but I'm also pretty sure I'll be able to take control over my everyday life again after it's gotten a little lighter. Now all I can do is wait.