Twentytwofourteen.

I just realised I still have no clue what I'm gonna be when I grow up. I'll (hopefully) be finished with my bachelor's degree next spring and still have no idea where to head to after that. I mean, I'm pretty certain linguistics isn't my thing, no, I'm absolutely sure it's not, but other than that there are so many options I'm just constantly finding myself drooling with my mouth open just thinking about them. I've always been a creative person and I know this creative part of myself is something I want to be of use in the great miraculous career that I plan to have some time in the distant future, but even my creativity isn't limited to any one specific field, except maybe in a way to writing but I can't think of any spectacular thing that could come out of this so-called gift. I've wasted two years of my life studying a subject that's not even remotely close to what I would like to do with my life, how many years is it gonna take for me to actually get a grip of where I'm going? I know these years haven't actually gone to waste and everything I've learned will be useful somehow whatever I end up doing, but it's hard not to envy those people who simply have one particular goal in their life to fight for passionately. And right now it seems as if I were surrounded by mostly just those people. I know it's normal to be confused and lost at my age but it's hard to stay objective when you feel like you're Alice in Horrorland and there's no rabbit in sight.

I've also been thinking a lot about my expectations when it comes to people understanding me. I don't really share that much about myself or my personal life with more than a few people, even with most that share their innermost crap - not in any demeaning sense, I'm glad to be there most of the time - with me, and even with those I occasionally do share my twisted thoughts with I have deep trouble remembering they can't always read me like an open book and know how I really feel even if I never manage to verbalise it. It's unfair to expect people to read me like that when I'm fully aware my writings are hidden under heavy armour behind 200 locks.

I need to find a healthy way to deal with my anger so it doesn't explode on me like it has in the past few... well, lives. I usually just go out running but it's not really a good way to react to a fight with another person. I want to be able to say what I'm feeling without wanting to throw a sandwich at somebody's face, I want to take control of the situation I'm in before my blood starts boiling so hot I get ecstatically furious and lose my sanity and reason.

And I need a new camera. By need I mean want. By need I mostly always mean want. I don't need much but want everything. Guess it's the thing with humanity. Please blog Santa bring me patience. I can't always have my iPod with me to give me enough distance from the people around me.