Suurenmoisesta ruumissaatosta kuumaan rakkauteen.

Some things in life are so huge that it's better to forget them a little before even trying to deal with them. I feel like cracking a "that's what she said" joke here but I'm gonna skip it now since I'm actually being serious for once. Even though time may sometimes make things seem a lot better and more miraculous than they actually were, some time can also make the extra weight of a certain memory go away so that you can finally see the reality without all the hazy bitterness and grief you thought you had already left behind.

I ended up spending my long holiday weekend in Seinäjoki. I wasn't meaning to leave there, I had already planned everything in Tampere but late at night on Thursday I found myself at the railway station with a ticket in my hand. Love strikes, I guess, sometimes you just have to prioritize whether you like it or not. Either way, I had a lot of fun during the weekend even though I woke up with puke on my leggings and my head ticking like a bomb from headache. Saturday night was hilarious, we were at some VIP punk party and I felt like a pink-haired 15-year-old rebel gal with a safety pin on her lip again. All three bands that played there were excellent, especially the last one with their sailor hats and kinky stockings.

I've been thinking a lot about control lately, and how easy it is to lose it. I'm all for living your life to the fullest - crying a flood, loving with your full heart, running for your life, shouting at the top of your lungs - but even so I think there are some lines you shouldn't ever cross. Go, live, love, shout, cry, do whatever it is you feel like doing, but don't let that get between you and your friends, because it's those people that care for you that will help you up from that huge pile of shit when you find yourself sinking in it, and you will. When you're willing to sacrifice everything - even every relationship - you have just for a fast kick and a transitory feeling, it's no longer fun and crazy, it's just sad. People you care for and who care for you should always come first, no matter how dark that place is where your head's at.

I think my brains have melted into pink jelly. I may have to face how deep the miserably euphoric feeling that has taken control over me lately really is, and it's scarier than a feverish nightmare after which you wake up screaming. There is no great escape plan, I'm in this and I'm in this for good, whether I end up opening doors or closing them.