You've kicked me around, you've wrapped me in cotton.

Collapsing publically is kind of a refreshing experience. Friday the 5th was pretty exhausting and hilarious at the same time. I was at my friend, Otto's (www.ottomaja.com) exhibition's opening party (which was superb, btw, everyone in Seinäjoki should go and see it at Still Standing), the night was good until we got back to our hotel room in the morning and things got a bit out of hand. I ended up screaming my lungs out at Otto's face at 6am, probably waking up a whole floor at the same time. For some (both particular and mysterious) reason I just had to spill out every kind of insult I was able to come up with at that time of the night, after which I locked myself in the bathroom until someone unlocked the door from the outside and put me to sleep. The next morning I woke up wishing someone had actually put me to sleep. We all laughed it off pretty quickly, though, and after some dealcoholocausting we were finally able to drive back to Jurva. I spent my whole winter holiday week there, surfing from mood to another, laying around in my pyjamas smelling like ass and cracking bullshit jokes all day long. Wednesday was pretty rough, though, we were planning on having a beer or two at the local pub and ended up getting shitfaced in Vaasa. Things got fucked up - this time not because of my inability to cope with stuff that goes on in my head, fortunately and un-fucking-fortunately - and at 5am I found myself in Vaasa airport, planning to leave the country with two other nutjobs with the same idea in mind. Good thing we finally realised none of us have enough cash to actually put our plan in action and we ordered a taxi back to Jurva (which, btw, was anything but cheap). How stupid can you be? Pretty fucking stupid, apparently.

I've been back in Tampere since Friday and the vibes and moods have been pretty good ever since. I actually managed to only have a few glasses of wine and cider on Friday without even wanting to get plastered, and was home around 1am for a change, not alone but in good company. Yesterday I went on an almost date after which we (meaning me and four of my friends, not just me and the, well, date) went and saw Alice in Wonderland in 3D. The film was a huge disappointment, even the 3D effects weren't able to save the whole mess Burton apparently meant to make his new masterpiece.

Whether my new but not-really-new-at-all guy I've been having a relationshippy thing with for a while now has something to do with both the I-want-to-die and the I-can't-stop-my-face-from-looking-like-a-retard-on-happy-pills moods during the past few weeks or not is something that we can all decide not to even argue about since it's so obvious. I'm not used to reacting to things on such an intense level as I have lately, and I'm not sure if I should be freaking out or not about actually feeling all kinds of lovey-dovey feelings varying from jealousy to euphoria again. Truth be told, I'm not freaking out for once, which is a fact that almost makes me freak out, since it's really that weird for me to feel normal about this kind of stuff, and not just pretend everything's normal and I'm not feeling like a fake and like shit underneath. Oh yes, I'm perfectly aware that I'm nuts, not just about this particular being.

Anyways, life has been and probably will continue being pretty intense, sometimes in a bad but mostly just in a good way. Things are creepy but oh so lovely. There is one question I hope I won't ever have to ask myself again, and that is "Alive or just breathing?". Just gotta make sure I won't have to.