I have to admit that I really have no damn clue how to live in moderation, and this is not something that's just recently come up, I've been this way since I can remember. It shows in all areas of my life, and by all I really mean all. Take eating, for example, I still easily go from binge eating to transitory semi-starvation even though I haven't classified myself as having an eating disorder for five years. We don't even have to go that far, just getting excited about something in general is a good example of that. I start doing or liking something (even someone) and instantly develop an addiction of some kind that lasts hardcore for a while and then suddenly disappears completely when I get bored. It's annoying, when I hear a good song I just can't help but to listen to it so much I never want to hear it again, at least not for years. I can't start playing any computer or console games because I'd get so into it I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything else for weeks, and I can't read books without reading them at one sitting. When I start watching new TV series, I can almost watch a season per day (this is why I like films so much, they only last for such a short time). When I go out running, I run until my muscles burn acid instead of healthy jogging. I guess I don't even have to mention drinking.
All of the things I mentioned above don't really sound all that major and they admittedly don't have such a big effect on my life, but when this aspect of my personality starts to show in areas of my life that really suffer from it, it gets pretty exhausting. I hate not being able to maintain a steady level of motivation when it comes to studying, for example. Or a steady level of anything. It's on/off with every single thing. I'm either happy in the clouds or deep down in the gutter, either overly excited or totally indifferent. (This isn't any kind of request for a diagnosis but just plain self-perception.)
The pointlessness of life is funny, the feeling of it sometimes washes all over your mind taking control of every aspect of your being and thinking. I'm not saying the great Meaning of Life is something to overly dwell on but I still can't close my eyes from the lack of purpose when watching the ratrace every individual drifts into at some point and never manages to leave because, ultimately, that's all there is. Good thing I'm still young/naive/dreamy enough to actually believe in the greatness of things, people and myself, but the idea of some day realising my happiness comes from merely this ratrace makes me want to pull my hair out.
We went out drinking and dancing on Friday and I spent all Saturday in bed with Anni, just having hungover talks and laughing, and at one point she told me I really do think too much and that she never even gets so deep into her own mind and thoughts as I do. I think that's both my weakness and my strength, I'm too philosophical for my own good at times, and I'm pretty sure someone who didn't occasionally get so stuck in his/her own mind couldn't stand being constantly around me but would get bored of my inane deep-as-fuck wonderings after a while. This is probably explains a lot about my taste in men, I always end up with guys who are so into their own minds that they sometimes forget other things exist. I guess I shouldn't blame them since I'm the same.
The truth it feels like concrete
I drove into its walls yesterday
I wish I could be realistic
But like children
My dreams run away
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